First Thanksgiving without your kids?

Since the divorce and the parenting plan, now the holidays are split between you. This year your ex has the kids and will be taking them to his or her family's dinner table, and you are not invited. This either feels good or feels bad. If the holiday feels empty without your kids then take this time to reminisce. there were good times in the past and the holidays meant the family was all together. The price of divorce is high. If you are away from your own family this holiday then treat yourself to something special that you can do on your own. Maybe plan another dinner on the weekend with your kids, or chalk it up this year because you will celebrate with them next year. Either way it's your decision. The good thing is if you hated going to your in-laws then be happy you're off the hook. I spent 11 grooling Thanksgivings with my mother-in law. For me coming from an Italian family, our thanksgivings started Thursday morning and feasted on all the Italian cuisine you dream about and then by midnight after stuffing one more cannoli in us, we rolled out the door. it wasn't like that at my in laws, to them Thanksgiving Dinner looked like a typical Thursday night, and seconds?! That was frowned upon, believe me I wasn't going for seconds anyway on their tofutti-turkey and brussel sprout-kale casserole.
So enjoy the day your way.

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His Family drives me insane!

With  holidays approaching and family obligations the stress of getting together with people you don't like or who don't like you increases. Holidays become a dread. What do you do? If his sister in law still avoids you or his mother still throws digs as she talks to your boyfriend about the girl he use to date with exuberance but remorse. Walk away or change the subject. The woman lacks social etiquette. Just don't make the mistake of complaining to your boyfriend about it, he is aware. Unless he says something right there and then, let it go. He is with you and mom just needs to get over it and move on. Be respectful, and courteous, stand tall with confidence and grace. You never know, she may miss the ex-girlfriend because she felt superior to her, and with you she may have to step up her game.  Whatever the reason is, take this as an opportunity to shine.

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See what other couples think?

We went down to the village last night and interviewed several couples asking them what they thought was the most important value in a relationship and what would keep the relationship sustained and strong.
The first couple looked at each other and having given it some thought both, well, she said and he agreed, although he seemed a bit hesitant, when she blurted out "Trust". He nodded his head, and said, "Yeah, trust. 
Another couple married 33 years, admitted they never thought about. His answer was "fear" she said they take it day by day and although they have had rough spots along the way, ultimately, they feel it's respecting each others opinion that has gotten them this far.
Most of the other couples we spoke to all agreed trust, honesty, and flexibility are the key factors. 
And yes these are, had we had the opportunity to talk with them longer, the values such as money, sex and family would have sparked greater conversation.
They will have the chance to discuss those when they purchase our book Happy Today Divorced Tomorrow, paving the way to Happily Ever After.
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BREAK OUT OF THOSE CHAINS THAT BIND YOU

BREAK OUT OF THOSE CHAINS THAT BIND YOU

Take accountability for your actions in the relationship that has ended. As mediators we meet with couples who enslave themselves and tether themselves to their ex. Both are guilty of entrapping and oppressing themselves either by excessive child support, visitation deprivation, and the like. Brooding over what was and what is post-divorce settlement.

Don't  let this generational mindset maintain a victim mentality and don't pass it on to your off spring? As long as we say we won't be victims and fight back we are still giving power to the superior rulers that tie our hands and tape our mouths. By addressing yourself as a victim you are then a victim, plain and simple.

If you are fighting the courts, petitioning to judges because you feel you deserve more, or feel mistreated then it isn't the court or the ex that will set you free.  Don't you realize the system holds you hostage? Stand strong in your independence from the court system. If you are making your ex pay and you have a shared parenting agreement, then you my dear are a slave. Break out of the chains that bind you, stand tall and firmly on the ground and make your own way.  If your ex won't contribute to the basic needs of his or her child, then it is their downfall by which this should make you want to clear yourself of any contamination of such despicable existence, and remove yourself mind, body and soul. 

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Part II from family court told by anonymous Ex

Four hours later just leaving Family Court.
Finally called our names, right hand swear in. Let's begin. Child support was waived. Each parent supports each child, property owed is to be sold, equity evenly divided, parties move on. Down went the gavel.
I am relieved that it's agreed upon, since both earn approximately the same. we both love our kids and want to do right by them.
Do we need to be bitter and scorned? Do I need to degrade myself and grovel for his money, no. What's fair is fair. The marriage ended and for whatever the reasons it is best to look forward and learn from our choices we made in the past. There are no mistakes just poor decisions and  we make those decisions based on the information and needs we have at that time. The lesson learned today, is do your homework, knowledge is power, the more you know the better the decision will be.
I'm grateful and privileged to earn my own keep, independent from anyone and everyone.
I know the judge was fair, he was unbiased. They are not always, therefore most of all I am grateful to the moral ethics of the court.
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DON'T END UP IN FAMILY COURT PART I

DON'T END UP IN FAMILY COURT
-anonymous ex wife

As I sit here in the family court building trying to find what Part 81 means, and what floor it is after standing on an outrageous line to be body scanned, and my back pack ransacked, my nerves frazzled and it's only 9 o’clock in the morning.

The most frightening part of this is mainly facing my ex as he stares me down with disdain and venom. Does he think I want to be here? I should be at work, but instead I'm sitting here in a room with other disgruntled individuals who like us, cannot agree on a resolution and need a stranger who has never met us to decide our fate.

As I sit here regretting that second cup of coffee and my body profusely sweating, I fear the worse. I fear that what I bring to the judge as my plea will be shot down. I see flashbacks of my youth in school sitting outside the principal’s office waiting for him to come out and call me in for punitive lectures and punishment. My heart is in my throat because I fear I won't have a chance to tell my side of the story, my right to my justice to the principal to the judge. I'm voiceless.

How and why did I get here, and what will be the outcome, will this verdict today lay heavy on me, will I be able to cope with the resolution, will I want to hurl a lead pipe to my ex's head?

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Being a Control Freak is NOT sexy!

Stop the incessant controlling over your partner. It's not sexy in fact it will eventually if not sooner, end the relationship with animosity. Have you been called "controlling" or given the label 'OCD" ? Imagine how others experience you. Do you really want your partner to cringe every time you open your mouth? Then do you expect them to want to have sex with you? Or do you direct that too?  Or when he or she suggests something or makes a decision you go right to the negative? You may not hear yourself, and I'm sure it is not your intention to put your loved one on the defensive. 

No matter what, the damage takes a toll on the relationship. Even though you may think, on occasion that he or she doesn't know what they are doing,and that they aren't as smart or clever or efficient as you, LET IT BE! They can't be complete numskulls you wouldn't be with them. 

Here's an idea why not talk and discuss what's best for the both of you. 

For example, if he goes to the store to get baked beans but brings back the wrong brand does he deserve execution? Maybe communication is lacking. Maybe you are looking for fault, why? Maybe, you're hurt because all these years you have been serving him Heinz Baked Beans and he never took notice, beans being the metaphor for all the other little nuances he overlooked or as you may feel  he took for granted. Talk about it without criticism or disdain.
If this continues, then you may need a referee or counselor. for more info or share with us on our Facebook Page, or go to: www.danagreco.com.  

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Are you Dating a Narcissist ?

Can your successful boyfriend be a narcissist that one day will be painfully and emotionally hurtful to live with down the road? You betcha! While you are dating this particular dream guy, pay attention to the following behaviors.
Does he have a grandiose sense of self-importance? (Narcissist)
You may see this and think " wow,he is really confident" How about a preoccupation with unlimited success? power? brilliance? ideal love?   He knows more than the average joe, is smarted than his boss, he has more talent in his little finger, and just needs the right opportunity to make it all happen. Tells you he is going to be rich, "just watch" he says. Narcissistic to the extreme.
Does he drop the hint that he sees himself as unique, different in a "special way"?
Sure, this can be a turn on, and you certainly don't want to settle for anything else. You stick by him because you would be nutz to hand him over to someone else.
 You may believe you landed a "prince". He has it all. And you aren't going to let him go, because your lives together are going to be grand and super successful. As well it should be, but with hard work, not by him exploiting others, or non-empathetic to others in order to get ahead. If he has his nose up in the air, then one day he will turn enough people off, isolate himself with his sense of entitlement, distance himself from you too and the kids, because you failed to meet his expectations. Life with a narcissist most likely ends in divorce, and your fighting for yours and your children's share of the assets. You will fight, in court with expensive lawyers, since he does not believe for a minute you deserve anything. It's his, he earned it, and you never did anything.
This goes for women too mind you it's not just men. Symptoms play out a little differently, we will address her next time. For more info and articles go to:
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Happy Today Divorced Tomorrow It Could Happen to You

Every marriage has the chance to become a divorce, do you know that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce today, and the 50% that remain are not all happy marriages?
We know: go to www.mediationandcounseling.com to read more articles
Why is this? For one, marriages are premature, many couples have not struggled long enough, or climbed enough hurdles in their relationship to know that they cannot survive bad days, crisis, and downfalls.
Married too young to know the real deal of reality.  Many young adults have barely crawled out from under their parents roof to know the harsh realities of life's challenges. And need to be on their own for a certain amount of time.  Go to: www.danagreco.com for assistance in self awareness and personal growth
There's no reason to marry young, give yourself time to figure out who you are, then when the bad times come you know better how to handle them. Knowing yourself will certainly increase your chances of surviving a marriage, and if the marriage ends you will certainly survive the divorce.

Are you at all interested in Evolving with your partner?

Most couples in their relationship would say "yes of course", but that's not what we see or hear when it comes down to it.

So let's back up.

Many couples get together and form their relationship on the things they have in common, that's a start but that is not where it should stay.  Couples tend to be comfortable with who they are and stay stagnant, but what if, just WHAT IF, you both encouraged each other to reach a higher, deeper, more elaborate lifestyle and we don't mean financially. (Of course that can be a bonus but not necessarily the goal)  What we really mean is for the two of you to encourage each other to be richer in spirit, moral, intellect, health, and so on.  

Relationships are about growth.

In addition to being supportive in career and education, if you are still in school or still building up the the career that you are driven towards, what about  the other areas in your full existence.  Do each of you recommend books to one another that are of substance, does one of you maintain a health regiment, like the gym or sports that keeps you fit?  Can you make this a team effort between the two of you? 

I'm sorry, but grabbing the remote and your loved one to veg on the couch for another weekly episode of Dancing with the Stars, should make you think twice about what you are really about as a couple.  You could be taking your butt and your loved one to a dance class. If your too rusty, then go on line, practice off of YouTube and then sign up.  Being together means bringing each other to a higher ground and developing yourselves.  In five years or more, you both will be  stronger and smarter individuals than you were when you met.  

GO to www.happytodaydivorcedtomorrow.com - where we will be constructing our new website just for you based on our upcoming BOOK Happy Today Divorced Tomorrow
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Should You Live Together?

Don:  If you want to take the relationship to the next step it's good to live together
Dana:  I don't agree, especially after divorce and kids and later in life, living together isn't as necessary as it is when you're young and wanting to form a family.
Don:  That's true initially but when you’re older you don't want to be a single person
Dana:  Who is a single person, you're still a couple.
Don:  Living together has the benefit of companionship and that feels like a real relationship, instead of it feeling like you are single
Dana:  I get that, but then living together can be too confining especially as we get older we are set in our ways.  Plus I did the "playing house" long ago, I don't feel the need to.

Don:  It's important that you get your space, having alone time and private space.  We would have to make arrangements with time and space
Dana:  I wouldn’t want to move into together for financial reasons, since this has proven to be a problem in the past, two incomes afford a nice place but then what happens when one can no longer maintain the lifestyle due to job loss, kid’s expense, things like that?
Don:  Yes but we can have a place that’s a little more money than one of us wants to spend so it’s a bigger place, but then instead of paying for two places, say $3000 each which is $6000 we would have one place say around $4000 and save the rest and put it away.
Dana: You make a good argument, I'm just worried about having that alone time. When would I get it?
Don:  We would make arrangements, you can go into another room
Dana:  Yes, I could but I'll know you're still in the apartment, I'll feel your presence
Don:  Yes, I know that, you're sensitive that way.
Dana:  I like the idea of knowing that for a few days out of the week I can finish work or have an afternoon where there's no need to explain or schedule anything with anyone.
Don:  I like that too, but I also feel the companionship piece over rides this.
Dana:  That's because you grew up with a lot of interactive parents and family
and I grew up with a lot less than that, everyone did their own thing and rarely had to check in.
Don:  It is very different, so what do we do?
Dana:  There is no easy answer but i want to be able to give you what you need
Don:  And i want to do the same for you.

Should you talk to your partner about your suspicions when you think they are sneaking around?

Should you talk to your partner about your suspicions when you think they are sneaking around?
It's how and when you address it. Not accusatory and NOT when your in a fight which you may have started in order to bring it up.
If you think your partner is keeping something from you and it's eating away at you, then just come out and ask. Not easy I know, but you have no choice. Otherwise you will be wondering, pre-occupied and worse planning on ways of catching him or her. This is no way to live and no way to be in a relationship.

If you have a hunch that something with another person is going on behind your back, the fear that you are being made a fool of or even worse that your partner has feelings for someone else is consuming. In a calm mature way ask, "Can we talk" If the time is good for both of you then ask, "Are there things in this relationship that you need are not getting from me?" What you want to do is repair your relationship, if both of you feel good about each other, there is no room for anyone else." Start with this tactic. and see where it goes. You have time to assess and repair. No one is running off into the sunset. So don't blow it by being impatient.maintain the emotion.
Look for our book that's coming out soon HAPPY TODAY DIVORCED TOMORROW
Paving the way towards Happily Ever After.
For more info:www.danagreco.com and www.mediationandcounseling.com

WHAT IS SEXY? WHAT IS NOT?

WHAT IS SEXY?
When you look at him, is there a certain glint that turns you on? When you look at her and the way she giggles makes your insides flutter?
Isn't it a real turn on when the two of you find each other so irresistible? Keep it that way. The secret is maintaining the respect and integrity of the relationship.
When contempt builds up, hurts are piling on top of hurts, then guarantee the bedroom will get colder than a witches you know what.
How to keep the contempt from building? Shut up, bite that lip that use to turn him on. Walk away before you say something hurtful! Instead of communicating negative criticisms, communicate statements like, " I'm upset with you right now so give me some space, or I don't understand why you act like that, so help me to better understand you."
IN keeping the sex and the flame hot....avoid the ugly, talk don't shame or condemn. This is NOT sexy!
Make love Not War Baby!
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If you don't somebody else will!

Is it nice to tell your partner that there are plenty of fish in the sea for you and that you do not need him, or he better shape up? Do you think that helps the relationship at all? No, and you know it. So why do it? It only pushes him away, and do you know why it pushes him away? Or pushes her away? because it is insulting and degrading. So stop hurting you partner by telling him " If you don't somebody else will" A great line from Bette Davis in Of Human Bondage. Bottom line, if you want your partner to pay attention, then tell him or her that "even though we fight and you annoy me, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else."
go to: www.danagreco.com or www.mediationandcounseling.com to review or seek help for your relationship. We are here to help

Why wait until she falls down the stairs?

Does it really have to take a terminal disease or a bad bone break to be recognized and appreciated by your spouse? Sometimes. 
Recently a couple were on the brink of divorce, retainers paid to the lawyers house for sale the usual. Until the wife accidentally fell down the steps in their home. First I thought, Uhm, really? Accident?  Soon to be divorced? I read too many crime stories. 
 I would have kept thinking  "accident?" IF the husband didn't come to her aid the way he did. He has been an amazing man, as the wife describes him. While she recovers from a bruised back he has taken care of all the household responsibilities and continue go to work at his job and stay on top of the bills.
Funny, she was doing the same thing, until now, but why does he get the applause? We won't go there.
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My point is, that now she is recovering and he is picking up the slack, and loving it, she was always the leader, in control, directing and task leader. But now her husband has experienced for himself his ability without her running the show, He feels purposeful and resourceful. Keeping track of the two kids and maintaining the household. With him feeling better about himself leads to him feeling better about the relationship. Their sex life has also improved, sure she is in pain, so he has to be gentle, but the sex is great, and a little different given the injured needs new positions. He is even initiating the sex. In turn she feels better that she is not the only one who has to run the household and can now rely on him. This makes her feel super good too. go to: www.danagreco.com to learn more about couples treatment.
I can only hope that the lawyer now gives her back her retainer.

LONG DISTANCE ROMANCE

Can you maintain sexual excitement in a long distance relationship? How are you with phone sex? Is it the only substitute until both of you are together again? Don't kid yourself, a relationship needs its physical stimulation. Sure many couples can be in a relationship without a consistent sexual explosion. But they are still in the physical realm, eating, sleeping, talking together. These activities alone count for something. Removing this intimacy and the sexual intimacy leaves a couple empty. A big void, big hole, un-tethered. So what’s a couple, who are in love, but temporarily separated to do?
So if phone sex is all you have, take it. With now the  I Phone you can also "face time" your sexual interlude.

No matter what you both decide on remember the romantic percentage of your relationship isn't everything, but the intimacy is. Intimacy between two adults is what defines a relationship. But, if you not are the techno sex type, then write a poem, or a sentimental letter that captures the essence of your relationship personality. If you both love a certain theme or joke, send quotes or pictures. Or, if you love to talk on the phone, tell something about yourself that you haven’t shared, this can deepen the connection, when togetherness does conjure up the need to share a little secret about yourself.
For more information go to our websites,www.mediationandcounseling.com listen to our radio podcast  and look out for our book that will be out soon. Happy Today Divorced Tomorrow, Paving the way to happily Ever-after and avoiding the pot holes.
Or for couples expert email me at www.danagreco.com

72  SEX hour cycle
Is it true that a man regularly desires sex approximately every 72 hours? The answer is YES, In our chapter Sex and Intimacy you will discover and learn more about your partner's cycle. Female counter parts are not always in the mood, so what happens when she wants to read and he wants to "not read" in bed?
How can you as a couple maintain a healthy affectionate and intimate  sex relationship that suits him and her, because her cycle is not as in sync as men prefer. go to  Radio Tab  on www.mediationandcounseling.com listen to our radio pod casts
And for you women who find the chore of sex daunting or more nicely put, too much too often, and "leave me alone, I have a headache" comes to mind. There are ways in which you can both have a pleasant evening without risking guilt, or rejection. For couples who need to get on track find me on www.danagreco.com
You will read all about this in our new book Happy Today Divorced Tomorrow The Myth of Happily Ever after. Learn how to avoid the Inevitable.
As a couples therapist and as Mediators we know first hand how relationships get derailed and we want to help you save yours.

Sex as survival for a relationship

Can man live on sex alone?  " Mine can, except he would break for a steak and a hunk of dark chocolate". This is what I was told, but I won't say from who. When I asked her what she thought her role in the partnership was she responded, "if all I wore was a T-bone and dipped my head in chocolate I think he'd be in heaven." This couple have a very active and satisfying sexual relationship. How long would you guess they have been together? Not newlyweds, not childless. They have been together 22 years and have never cheated on each other. Studies concluded from www.mediationandcounseling.com
Impressive yes, are they in marital trouble, YES. Sex and the turn on between them is essential to keeping this part of their relationship on track.  But,when I asked them both who do each of them go to, to talk about their problems, worries, fears. he said, his mother, and she said her best friend.
for more info go to www.danagreco.com